


A Thousand Times Before

by akamine_chan



Category: due South
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-06
Updated: 2008-03-06
Packaged: 2017-10-02 12:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akamine_chan/pseuds/akamine_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love was never their problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Thousand Times Before

**Author's Note:**

> I'd been tossing the idea of a Stella-centric story around for a while. Just hadn't gotten to it until now. First part of dialog is straight from the _Strange Bedfellows_ episode. Many, many grande thanks to Ainsley for the quick, last-minute beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine, all mine. Written for Nos4a2no9 on the occasion of her 25th birthday. No limbs were removed in the making of this story. Honest.

_Their bodies moved together fluidly, the result of dancing together for years._

_"I could stay the night," he said softly._

_"You could."_

_Ray looked down at her face. "It'd be perfect."_

_"It would be a mistake." She nuzzled at his jawline, inhaling his familiar scent. "You could stay, we could make love, it'd be great - like a thousand times before, but - tomorrow, we'd be right back where we were this morning - maybe with a couple more regrets."_

_"I love you."_

_"I love you, too." She looked into his blue eyes. "Always will. But you know I'm right."_

Their earlier conversation echoed in Stella's head as she slowly shut the door and leaned back against it, feeling lost, feeling alone. For the first time, Ray hadn't wanted to come in, hadn't wanted to spend the night. On top of everything else that had happened, his rejection had stung a little, even though it was probably the smart thing for him to do. As much as she had wanted her freedom and her space, she hadn't expected him to say 'no'.

She wrapped her arms around herself, rubbing briskly, suddenly chilled by the night air. She's was still jittery from all the adrenaline earlier - bombs and crazy stalkers and the sharp threat of violence. She shivered, remembering Ray putting himself between her and Dwayne Weston, protecting her like he always did. Like he'd been doing since she'd was twelve.

Digging up the bottle of scotch she kept for special occasions, she poured herself a stiff drink, needing something to soothe the nerves that were still thrumming loudly. She knew that she couldn't work like this - distracted and restless. All she could see when she closed her eyes was Ray standing between her and Dwayne, trying to talk him into giving up the gun, trying to talk him down. It was looped in her mind, repeating over and over, a broken record. It made her nauseous and she swallowed hard against the bile that rose in the back of her throat.

She'd had a hard time with that, when she and Ray were together. The waiting. The not-knowing. Hearing about a shooting involving an CPD officer on the radio and wondering, wondering _Is it Ray?_ and the tight knot of fear that would settle in her stomach until he got home, safe. It was so much worse once he'd started taking the undercover jobs. She wouldn't see him for long stretches of time and if he'd been hurt in the meantime, she'd never know. Eventually, she'd gotten tired of waiting to hear that he'd been killed in the line of duty. She had mourned him before he was dead and tried to move on with her life.

Taking another swallow of her drink, she gasped as it burned down to her stomach, reawakening the anger and hurt she'd felt when she'd discovered Frank's duplicity. He'd been such a gentleman, polite and attentive. She's thought that maybe Frank could be someone she might settle down with. Someone who wouldn't make too many demands on her time, someone who could support her without asking too much in return.

She laughed, surprised at how bitter it sounded. She wanted Ray back. She wanted the leather-jacketed rebel that had stolen her heart away. She missed him -- her bed was empty without his restless presence, her life was hollow without his manic energy. Her world was quieter without him in it. She felt lost without his strong arms around her, without his lean body next to her. She wanted him back, but she knew it had to be this way.

Setting the glass down, she ghosted through a couple of dance steps in the darkened living room, imagining Ray's arms holding her close. She went out on the balcony and looked at the glitter of lights from the Chicago skyline, feeling small. The lights blurred for a moment and pressing hard against her eyes, she willed the tears back. She'd cried so many tears over Ray, over the life they'd had. She wouldn't let herself cry any more.

-fin-


End file.
